hey all,

This is my favorite font, let's use it, am almost ready to learn how to do computer stuff, then wait til you see how things start lookin around here, but no more leaning on ass-hole men whose ulterior motives are some sort of cry for help, soon i will be sole webmistress misery-maker, just as i promised y'all from the start.

i told webaster i am giving austin one more week then i move to portland. He said my change-making goals may not start happening for a year, well, no this is actually what he said: years.

i'm supposed to just keep writing, people have all kinds of ways to give to the world, activism exists here, what i'm askin is a lot, mental illness is big taboo, people are afraid to take a stand, plus we could go off our meds and pull you out of bed and kill you etc etc etc.

Keep writing what? It's already getting redundant. not another wailing wall of psychiatric frustration and impotence. i can quit you baby. First i have to put austin down for a while, make it see what a laughing stock it's been turning into before eyes of the world ever since we laid down for ruthless thieving hightech nobodies who have ruined alot while we leave in droves or adapt too well.

But i like austin again, not even men with mustaches can bring me down, my people are treating me right (leaving me alone) so i am going to social events first time since finding out i'm retarded and it's just like the old days, but too old now for drunken acting out except on internet.

i have to read my books, learn how to fight the bad people. i know what they did wrong and i have their addresses, why not just go over? We could make signs and put them on sticks and throw insane parties in their elevators, that's what roger moore would do. Hellhound, please email roger moore.

No, that's my new decision, anyone out there promoting troublewaits, stop please, the world comes to me now, i see truly advanced and advantageous writing here, and i am the author, suddenly no one is invited, i wish i could screen people's worthiness, but this is something else i'm supposed to get over.

i am not ready to tell you about my new psych dx, not playing games, just stalking the snakepit before diving in. Everything will fall into place once i deal with the dx, but i know i am pushing everyone too much. Found 2 sandwiches on my doorstep yesterday, thanks but no more, i gotta go back now to bein the mom of me. Lost all perspective, death, lookin for culpability, seein nothin but my own entropy, abdication and hesitation, took all that out on whoever's handy.

Now i just want to make friends with Shoshanna.

Do you know Shosanna Moser?

She's not speakin to me, if you go to her site, tell her i'm sorry for everything, trouble always starts out with defensive lunacy, it's a sham, etc, thanks.


Shosanna's Psychiatric Survivor's Guide

let's link 'm hellhound, and please make this one stand out, make it light up, so readers can point, click and go straight there, please, just this once, thanks




Her site is has been there since 1995, her first words are this:

"William Blake, Lord Byron, Hemingway, Faulkner-names to reckon with."

Strange, how the whole world still blows tiger chunks, shoshanna, is this how it is then in cyberspace? At least hers is most beautiful site on internet, quotes the masters dead on, foxiest scorn flake fighting female on web-woven-coven, black widow, unforgiving of whole fuckin mental health system, probably miles ahead of me in terms of what she will yawn for then tear apart, she's funny, jaded, mean, totally dismissive, i think she is perfect, so i have to quit tellin her to lay off ignorin me like a competitive american cunt and start acting out like a true girl. Webaster says wait, let him handle promotion. All we do is wait around here. i'm tired of waiting, tearing around austin clueless, lookin for ethnic minorities, writers, college admission, nope, can't afford school, probably better off without influence (blood in the sink, doris day shift, etc)

Still need rescue, direction, stop falling down all the time trying not to understand what it's all about, stop lookin at everything else but the obvious, jews with clues, only people who ever understood my head, black people understand my soul, and i'm running out of stereotypes, pissed at laid back goateed bohemians, it's hard, the south.

Here's what i know about jews:

They know more than me.

So i am not on her caliber of thought, i expect she comes by troublewaits now and then and shakes her head, turns on sienfeld, puts on a mud mask, i wonder if she smokes, camels i bet, drinks coffee, reads her books, destroys all monsters, knows how to get into her website, then puts it up there in flawless colors and fonts. Her rhetoric scares me so i only stay 20 minutes at a time, then pace around the house, fuck, she knows what she's talkin about.

My humanitarian snore boyfriend has no idea how against i am becoming to things he wishes were ok. even said the other day, oh looks like your banishment is over, you must be eager to get back into your psychiatric online support group community. i say you trying to get rid of me you gotta do better than that, sorry, need theatrics, otherwise stayin til the novelty wears off, thanks.

Decision time, psb:

back to satan's doorstep?

not this baby.

then i went over there and perpetrated, told one of my friends (you think i'm a martyr, go meet dinah) to get off her knees please, world needs you. how much yu wanna bet i am blocked 5 weeks for incivility? ha ha, you're gonna miss me!

reader, if you want to get an instant grasp of what is killin me about that place read the last couple months of interactions between the llama and the kat. this i can no longer do. i know, i need to take time, stop being such a pussy about everything if i am gonna be bastard daughter of h.l. mencken and make people look at what i say is essential.

ok webaster, fuck everything up now and say i can't do this, thanks:

copy shoshanna's home page and put it here please. i don't see why not, i am just going to quote it verbatim anyway:


                 Introduction To Empowerment

                 Glossary Of Terms: What We're Really Talking About

                 The Company We Keep

                 N A M I --With Friends Like These (see? i am not ready to hear this)

                 Neuroleptic Drugs

                 EC T: What You Should Know

                 Involuntary Commitment

                 We Are Hostages

                 Speaking Up And Fighting Back

                 A Final Word To My Ex-Therapist ("tell it to a writer!")

                 Comments Page (webaster, can i have one of these, when?)

One quote, then i'm gong til tonight-

appropriate disclaimer:

(this comes after her hateful glossary of terms)


"None of the descriptions listed above should in any way imply that Sanity is necessarily (under supervised conditions) a bad or socially unacceptable state, nor that those suffering from its ravages should be in any way discriminated against, ridiculed, stigmatized, or looked upon with disdain by those more fortunate. Additionally, it should be understood that Sanity is a treatable condition, and that with psychiatric help, involuntary hospitalization, the extensive use of restraints, neuroleptic drugs (what?! uh-oh), ECT, and the guidance of NAMI, Sanity can be fully and permanently overcome.

It happens everyday."

Shoshanna Moser, Shosanna's Psychiatric Survivor's Guide.



thanx, reader, now go tell

her she is loved.











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