hi trouble afoot, you betcha, shoot out kneecaps, no more trouble afoot, a girl can dream can't she, hey lottie, hop on my dunking stool, no it's fun, you deserve it, i deserve to flip the switch.

make me run home want to lock out and bolt the doors against, forget everythihg i said before, let's just blow every woman off the fuckin map once and for all, no more basket-case makin-place called austin texas. except me and my bad girlfriends, handfuls too, but takes 1 second to know we are ok, takes lifetime to figure out why others are here.

today is a day of milestones: first my computer tried to kill me, no, stayin online, been madwoman on microsoftinthehead all day, not once have i fallen on floor, nowhere close. You can put the gun down Harriet, i'm not goin back.

i've spent years avoiding this, have not read one book by henry miller, have to decide for myself, weigh it, add it together, don't stereotype, but no goin back my little chunk of reality nothin more than that:

why can't a woman be more like a man?

i don't like men, but it's always women i need to flee from. flee, run out of the store, hang up the phone, recover, hide from, sick in stomach. the entitlement. the dripping incisors. snatches, good term, standing ovation. i don't want to walk around bein consumed, that's for the bedroom, you're right fellas, they need a good fuck.  sublimating sex drive, makes them detached, roll over me, i am one of them but i think i get the castration complex, they make me feel that i am better off diminished.  i know how this sounds, i don't care, try not to mythologize me too much boys, you're next. but i can usually get someplace with men i don't like, women are cement.

i look at psb, amble thru the archives, who acts like human being no matter how pissed off? maybe fairly average men want to beat women up, they also want to not want to, i've counseled male perps enough to say that with some authority. i can't say the same for women, i don't know what their motivations are. i try and will keep trying but i can't get there. the sadistic female heart stops me in my tracks, cold, sadistic, could care less about the impact they have on their environment, people get that way when they been fucked over too much or not enough, whatever,  it's all me all the time now. get over yourself. grow, self-develop, do your work. til then, nothing but an embarrassment.

i fight loud in stores w/both sexes, i slap men across the face  and i always will. some things men do wrong can be handled, like losing my clients clothes at the cleaners and sayin it's my fault, that's cool, everyone's pissy sometimes.

in the end we usually end up lauging about it, ok, why can't that happen with women, i do the same stuff. jobs suck they work harder than husband, this is well known, my job sucks too, but when i am at work i try to be at work. i start out thinking clerk and customer will be proactive problem solvers, talk, listen, be reasonable, if you can't do it, i can handle it, just don't tell me you're doin it when i know you're not. i should understand women better, i read books, i i used to audit university classes for something to do, i did womens studies, they were maniacs, once me and my friend lesha were walking on campus i was quiet and mad, she wanted to know what was wrong but i couldn't tell her that i was thinkin about the 20 year old in the back of the class thinkin that one's gong, seein what this shit was doing to her, she wanted to kill her father, kill her dad, kill her dad, teacher supportive, words on chalkboard

men cannot love

today's lesson, men cannot love.

find out 4 years later what happened to the girl in the back of the class, blew her brains out. i blame feminism.

now i read mailer, miller, nick cave who is totally in their heads, watch black narciccus, just picked it up, looks sobering.

exene cervenka, my 1980s punk rock heroine-twinflame sister from a distance understands this better, once i  threw a plate of ravioli at a record exec who said the only reason aint love grand was selling for them was that exene wasn't singing on it. so she knows men are pricks, still loves people, no, loves humanity, what's that? a vision.

i read something she said, thinkin wow, you really are insane, this can't be: women running up to her in the streets screaming i hate you exene, i hate you and everything you stand for. now i believe it. don't understand it, does anyone? if you are a woman who does this sort of thing, i will listen, with respect, i need to know. my mom did this. she had to leave los angeles too.

 

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